I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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