It's a beautiful day for a hangover
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
