fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize