just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
