Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
