I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
