Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
