I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
