Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
