I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
There's always time for handjobs
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
