He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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