so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize