i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
