...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
