I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i out mim tonsoeep
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