Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
