My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
