Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
