you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
