i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
