I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize