I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
