I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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