we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
His hands were made for my vagina.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
