She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
