I'm so fucking centered right now
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
