all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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