So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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