Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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