On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
