My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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