Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
