Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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