I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
