Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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