When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize