peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
