The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
