Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
