Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize