they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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