3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The dick lei will go down in squad history
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
