New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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