I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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