omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The uberlube is also flammable
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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