I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Four minutes until I can fart!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
