I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
