If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
