i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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