Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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