Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
