i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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