omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
