I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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