Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
