I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
