You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
