I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
