P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
