i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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