I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
