if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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