i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
