New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
