i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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