My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Sober January is a disaster.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
