I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
